Hot & Not: March 2013

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Welcome to the first monthly edition of Hot & Not. I’ll start with the “Not’s” because I like to end things on a good note and I’m in a pretty good mood today.

The NOT List

Beyoncé

Alright everyone, I’ll be the first one to say it. I don’t like Beyoncé.

There. I feel better.

I know, I know. Many of you are already disagreeing with my very first Hot & Not list. Please let me explain before you move your cursor and close this tab on the browser.

  1. We can begin with how Microsoft Word autocorrected Beyoncé’s name when I began typing this. Really? Really, Bill Gates? This irritates me.
  2. She goes by one name. Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, known mononymously as Beyoncé. Why do people do this? Do celebrities get so famous that they wake up one day and they’re just like, “Ya know, I think I’m only going to go by one name from now on. Yeah, just one name. A first and last name? Nah. Not for me.” What if I just wanted to go by Stacey? How do I even go about dropping the last name? Is there paperwork to fill out? I’d probably have to go to the Secretary of State. Forget it, never mind.
  3. Can we talk about how she single handedly broke up Destiny’s Child? I’ll agree she was obviously the front-runner of the group… but now, I can only daydream about what catchy tunes could have followed up, “Say My Name”, “Independent Women”, and “Survivor”. Another album would have been “Bootylicious”. (Note: Microsoft Word does not recognize Bootylicious as a correctly spelled word… C’mon Beyoncé).
  4. Her “movie career”. I’ll give her Dreamgirls. Mainly, because I haven’t seen it and I’m sure it’s super inspiring or whatever. But I will not let anyone forget that she was in Austin Powers: Goldmember. Oh and The Pink Panther.
  5. She has an alter ego. (UGH). I’m sure many people have alter egos… okay? I don’t know. I don’t really follow how we, as a society, are handling alter egos. And sure, I have an alias I use when I check in at restaurants for reservations (Okay, yeah. That’s probably kind of weird) buttttttt, I’m still calling bullshit on “alter egos”.
  6. The Illuminati. Do I really need to explain? Google it. I’m actually probably risking my life against the Illuminati by writing ill of Beyoncé. Fuck.
  7. Her documentary on HBO. I’m not sure if many of you tuned in to Beyoncé’s documentary on HBO that has been airing recently but (because I have no life) I have watched it. I’ll sum it up for you. Life Is But A Dream (Not a totally terrible title) is pretty much an infomercial of B (I call her that now after watching the doc, it’s like we’re buds). The documentary is pretty much a ton of time spent with B just looking into her MacBook camera. This, I’m assuming, was intended to show how much B was “revealing” to the audience when in fact she didn’t reveal very much at all. There was one sweet scene where B and Jay-Z were just sitting around and singing a Coldplay song that could melt anyone’s heart. I guess I did enjoy the documentary a bit. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a good any documentary.

I feel that I was a bit harsh on my girl, B. She’s beautiful and talented. Yada, yada, yada. But really, she’s just not doing it for me right now. Maybe next month.

The Duggar’s

Okay. How are the Duggar’s still relevant at all? If you don’t know who the Duggar’s are, good for you. (Family from the TLC show “19 Kids and Counting”). For the rest of us losers, I was scrolling through Yahoo News the other day (because I was very busy, clearly) and this article title caught my eye:

NYC Burger Feast Costs A Fortune For 23 People.

I like burgers and I like news stories so I clicked on the link. Little did I know that this article was about how the Duggar’s were visiting Manhattan and stopped in at a burger joint for a meal. Of course, I kept reading. The meal cost the Duggar’s $614. Seems extreme, right?

Well after thinking about it, that price isn’t too crazy. My family and I were in NYC over the holidays this year and each time we ate (breakfast, lunch, or dinner) we were spending around $100 bucks a meal. So feeding 23 people for $614 is really not that terrible. It comes out to around $26 a person. In NYC, I’d say that’s pretty average.

After thinking about how this meal wasn’t really that crazy, I thought about how I actually did the math to figure out how much it would cost a Duggar to eat, and then I thought about how I actually read this entire news story about THE DUGGARS, and then I thought about how I actually clicked on a “news story” about a Burger Feast, and then I actually got super depressed.

The Duggars are just so… not what I should be reading about.

Stars diving into a pool.

So if anyone has been watching ABC broadcasting whatsoever, you’ve probably been bombarded by ads for this new show, “Splash”. I don’t have much to say about this other than… Really, ABC? This is the best you can come up with? Shame on you. I have roughly 285 ideas for different television series they could use. Hell, I’m also pretty sure the 4-year-old who sat behind me and coughed/spit up on my hair at Panera Bread yesterday, has better ideas than a show about stars diving into a pool.

Also, they are using the term “stars” very loosely. I recognize the names of the following participants: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Drake Bell, Ndamukong Suh, Katherine Webb, and Kendra Wilkinson. The rest? Well. I’m not sure who Louie Anderson is. Or Rory Bushfield. Or Nicole Eggert. Or Keshia Pulliam. The only one I would root for if I was to watch it (And let’s be honest, I’ll probably tune in for at least one ep) is Chuy from “Chelsea Lately”. Obviously I’d watch that lil’ nugget try to dive.

Can this show just start already so ABC can not show the previews anymore?

Kim Kardashian’s baby bump

Let’s all just make a pact right here, right now. Let’s not care about Kim Kardashian anymore. Please. I’m begging you.

She’s just so… not.

The HOT List

Justin Timberlake

Dear lord. I mean, c’mon. In my junior high days, JT and the rest of *NSYNC empowered my thirteen-year-old self to jam out, party like a rock star, and they even serenaded me to sleep. I really didn’t think I could fall more in love with Justin Timberlake than I did back then… Boy was I wrong.

Is there anything hotter than Justin Timberlake right now? No, no there is not. His music career is back in full swing and he just hosted Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. If you haven’t watched this past weekend’s SNL, I urge you to run, not walk to your nearest television or computer and watch immediately. Is there anything sexier than a funny guy? Yes. A sexy, funny guy who can sing. Oh, and dance. Also, I’ve never witnessed someone wear a suit as flawlessly as he does. Geeeesh. Watching SNL this weekend awakened all of my inappropriate junior high thoughts. I still can’t bring myself to delete it off the DVR.

I’m really happy for Justin. He deserves it. By the way, he’s on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon every night this week. Yes, EVERY night.

Heeeeeeeeee’s baaaaaaaaaaack.

So hot.

March Madness

Alright. I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with sports, but I like sports – – a lot. March brings one of my favorite times of the year… March Madness. I just got excited typing that. God, I’m a loser. March Madness is on my hot list for the following reasons:

  1. A Cinderella Story. First, if you’re thinking that I’m referring to the Hilary Duff/Chad Michael Murray flick, you should probably just scroll down to the next item on the hot list because the rest of this is not going to be of any interest to you. When I say “Cinderella Story” I’m talking about the lowest ranked team in the tournament getting a chance to knock off a top 5 team and make it to the Final Four. I’m all about watching the nice guys finish first in March Madness. I love a good “Cinderella Story”.
  2. The Brackets. If you’ve read anything on this blog, you’ve probably gotten some sense that I’m competitive. I used to think I wasn’t competitive at all…  Then a few months ago during an extremely intense battle of “Sequence: An Exciting Game of Strategy” I decided that okay; maybe I am a bit competitive. I love filling out a bracket – – Even though on day 1 of the tourney my bracket will be destroyed when the team that I had losing just because I hate their mascot decides to screw me over, royally.
  3. Hot guys. There are a ton of good-looking guys in the tournament. Lots-o-eye-candy. However, I then remind myself that most of these guys are freshmen in college and then I feel… ancient. Just kill me.

March Madness is fun. If you don’t watch, don’t like basketball, or whatever – I dare you to watch a few games… give it a chance! And besides, throw your boyfriend/fiancé/husband a bone and watch for a few hours – Who knows, it might pay off for you later… if you know what I mean…

Also, GO BLUE (HOT).

Cheesecake Factory

So there was an announcement made a week or so ago that a Cheesecake Factory was opening in Michigan. Hallelujah. I’ve pondered for years why there is not one Cheesecake Factory in Michigan – – Especially because the owner/CEO is from Michigan? Nevertheless, I couldn’t be any more delighted that he has relented and decided to build a chain of his business in this state.

I can’t explain the reaction of my fellow Michiganders but this will kind of surmise it for you:

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We ARE PUMPED.

The only person weary about the Cheesecake Factory: My waistline.

HOT

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You’re Invited: It’s Shower Season!

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It was beautiful outside this past weekend. You know, those rare winter days when the sun is shining for the first time in weeks – like really shining. One of those days where you don’t feel the need to wear a jacket because it’s so deceivingly beautiful out. The best part of this type of day is that you can smell spring attempting to creep around the corner. I for one, am ready to bid adieu to winter. I’m tired of the boots, the 4 layers of shirts, and especially the slippery, icy walkways that I seem to fall on every other day. I’m ready for summer — Dresses, flip-flops, ice cream runs, and bonfire nights.

The major problem(s) with spring are the showers. And I’m not talking about the precipitation. I’m talking about bridal and baby shower season.

I remember a time when the worst thing I was receiving in the mail were bills – – Not anymore, sister. Now, around March, April, and May, my mailbox becomes a breeding ground for baby shower invites and wedding “Save-the-dates”. Before this posting really gets rolling, I need to first make a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: I, the author of the content of this blog, can assure you, the reader, that while the following may depict a side of myself that loathes the very thought of attending a bridal/baby shower, my feelings will still be extremely hurt if I am not invited as result of this posting. I may bring my snarky attitude but I also bring awesome gifts. The choice is yours.

Back to business.

Time. Food. Pressure.

These three elements blend together to form the trifecta of my perfect storm known as shower season.

My first bone to pick with shower season is time. Obviously you can’t expect someone to hold a shower on a weekday because who would come then? So yes, it makes sense that 99% of showers are held on the weekend.  However, this is basically telling me: “Hey, I know the weather is finally looking nice and you may want to use a free weekend to, oh I don’t know, get crazy and just walk around outside or stay at home and just relax – – But now, you have to spend your entire day at a shower!” Show me someone who says that a shower doesn’t last all day and I’ll show you a liar.

A shower could start at 11am, 1pm, or 3pm (all standard starting times for a shower) and I promise that your whole day is fucked. Also, I truly believe there is a special place in hell reserved for people who hold their showers on a Saturday. These events should be made to ruin my Sundays and only my Sundays.

Here’s a birds-eye-view example:

Sunday: Shower @ 1pm

8am: Roll out of bed. Shower. Pretend to eat breakfast but just end up having a Diet Coke. Get caught up in a Lifetime movie… You know the one, usually the flick where DJ from Full House plays a teenage girl who is dating the star football player and everything is daisies. Then we find out he’s an abusive boyfriend (GASP!) The remainder of the film is her trying to get out of the relationship but always “trusting him again” and she turns on all of her friends until she hits complete rock bottom. That one always sucks me in.

10am: I’ve finally removed myself from the couch (DJ got away from the loser boyfriend and he was arrested, phew). Time to get dressed and out the door.

11am: Finally leaving the house. Yes, it took me an hour to get dressed. It’s not easy to pick out an outfit when you’re staring at your closet with the following thoughts going through your head:

A: I can’t wear this because I wear this to the bar and my mom will undoubtedly make a comment. (Mom decoder: “Gee, that’s awfully short…” = “You should change your clothes.”)

B: I can’t wear this because I’m not 70 years old — Where did I even buy this?

C: What will give off the vibe: “I am no where near getting married and the thought of having a baby happens to scare the shit out of me but I’m doing great, THANKS.”

D: DON’T I OWN ANYTHING NICE!?

It is incredibly difficult to get a move on and out the door when you can’t dress yourself. As usual, after everything that was hanging in my closet is now in one huge heap on the floor, I will be leaving the house in a blouse and my classic black pencil skirt. I’m so typical.

11:30am: I’ve arrived at either A: Bed, Bath, and Beyond or B: Babies R’ Us. Yes, I waited until the absolute last minute to pick up a gift… doesn’t everyone? Anyway, I make my way over to the gift registry area, on my way I realize that I chose the wrong shoes to wear – – I’ve been on my feet for all of what, two minutes? I can already feel blisters trying to kill me from within. Ugh. I am greeted at the registry by some teeny-bopper who rolls her eyes while I attempt to remember how to spell the last name of the said person I am there for. After what seems like an eternity, that sweet angel of an employee hands me the printed registry list and the real horror sets in.

Great, every single decent thing on this registry has been bought. That’s what you get for waiting until AN HOUR before the event. Oooooh, I could buy the one set of hand towels that is left OR the $599.99 mixer (in Mint Julep). Decisions, decisions. This is about the time I decide to go rogue and this is also when I get in even bigger trouble.

12:15pm: YES, IT’S NOW 12:15. I’M STILL AT THE STORE.

12:30pm: I’ve made a decision. Usually some sort of china set/piece or a vase that is really nice and hopefully can actually be useful. I hope.

12:45pm: I’m screaming at my iPhone because I am now lost and cannot find the quaint clubhouse/hall/restaurant/house/WHATEVER. This is when I usually call one of my allies that will be at the said event and beg them to give me turn-by-turn directions. I’m also trying to sign the card at each red light I am stopped at.

1:10pm: I arrive. Only 10 minutes late (even in my hypothetical blog scenario, I’m late).

2:00pm: I’m still wondering why events haven’t happened. Why aren’t we at least eating?! THE FOOD IS RIGHT THERE. Literally, right there. I could grab it with my hand if I reached out my arm. But no, we have to wait. Wait and mingle. Mingling is the worst. Here is where the two final components of the shower season trifecta come into play.

Food: I have many problems with the food aspect of a shower. First, you never know what to expect. At some showers the “spread” simply includes chips and pop (cheapskates) and at other showers there are full meals served (trying a little hard?). There’s no consistency. How can a girl plan? Of course, it never fails that when I hedge my bets and eat before the shower, I’ll arrive and it will be a sit down meal. When I don’t eat beforehand, I’ll be rationing those fluffy pastel mints for the remainder of the shower. My other problem with the food aspect are the food choices. When did chicken salad croissants become the go-to shower food? I enjoy chicken salad but can’t we spice it up, people? Get creative. Another offender: Watermelon, hollowed out and filled up with a variety of different fruits. Ugh. I would be delighted to show up at a shower and they were like SURPRISE! We’re having mac n’ cheese and DOUBLE SURPRISE, you can take it to-go, because this shower is over! Am I in heaven?

During this awkward mingle time, the last part of the trifecta comes up.

Pressure: On a daily basis I don’t feel much pressure about being single. I have amazing friends, family, an incredible education, and a job that I actually like getting up and going to every morning. Things for me… are pretty good. Of course there are certain times or days when I think that having that “special someone” in my life would be nice, but most days, I’m pretty content. One situation that causes me to feel “the pressure” is shower season.

The first part of the pressure that comes is from myself. When my mailbox is full of “Save the dates” and I’m running out of magnets because my fridge is covered with ultrasound-baby-shower-invites, I can’t help but think I’m missing something. I usually equate it to this: It’s like watching all your friends move on to junior high, while you’re being held back in fifth grade, still trying to master times tables. It makes me feel behind the curve and wonder, “Well fuck. Why am I single?”

At showers, two things will happen if you’re single: “hypothetical talk” and “dodge ball”. When I say “hypothetical talk” I’m describing the comments like, “Well, someday for your shower….” or “I’ll have to remember this for you one day”. While I play along with this, I’m always thinking… “Will there be a shower for me??” I can’t even predict what the next week of my life will look like, let alone fathom the idea that I will forrrrr sure get married and have a baby (fingers crossed in that order).

The second part, “dodge ball”, also happens during mingling. This is when I swerve, avoid, duck, and obviously, dodge, questions about my single status. There is always a friend, or mother of a friend, etc., who for whatever reason needs to know why I am single and what I am doing to counteract this. “You’re so accomplished and beautiful… But your mother must really be hankering for some grandkids! You better start trying a little harder missy!” I would love to respond, “Um, that started as a compliment, right…? Did you just say ‘hankering’…? Are my reproductive choices any of your damn business…? By the way, I hate you.” But instead, I choose the much higher road – – Avoidance, or “dodge ball” as I’ve coined it.

Back to the schedule…

2:30pm: We are now an hour and a half in… and we are released to eat. Chicken salad – – surprise, surprise.

2:50pm: The games. Ugh, with a double side of ugh. Does anyone like the games? That was a trick question – – No one likes the games. No one wants to play the games, but it’s just what you do. It’s tradition. And plus, I’m super competitive and sure, I’d like to walk away with some free antibacterial soap from Bath & Body Works… Hopefully an apple scent.

3:30pm: The presents are still not opened. I repeat, the presents are still not opened. Everyone knows that it would be extremely rude to leave before presents are opened. And you can’t just duck out. I may be sarcastic and snarky, but I’m not rude. Once I’ve committed, I’m committed. In my dream world, when the bride/expectant mother opened my gift she would look to the crowd and see a very adorable, thin, cardboard cutout of myself giving them the thumbs-up sign. Meanwhile, I’d be at home, catching up on my DVR.

4:00pm: We are now in hour three. Presents are being opened. I’ve already used my allotted 37 “oooohs” and 42 “ahhhhhhs” and I even hit quota with 25 “Howwwww cuuuuuuuute”. It’s time to go.

4:45pm: I’m helping clean up. Because I love my friends. And obviously hate myself.

5:15pm: Saying my good-byes. Somehow, I get caught up in a conversation with some friends I don’t see nearly enough and before I know it, there’s a dinner plan in the making. For tonight.

5:30pm: I’m riding shotgun in my college roommate’s car and we’re off to “dollar taco” night with a bunch of my old sorority sisters.

Like I said, showers take up the ENTIRE day.

Happy Shower Season to you all.