This past weekend marked the 85th Academy Awards. Every year I’m always like, “I’m not going to watch… boringggg.” And every single year, I relent. I’m not sure what is so appealing about award season. It could be the glitzy-Hollywood-glam, the competitive atmosphere, or an evening celebrating the year’s best films… But I’m going to put my money on hunky men in suits.
While I was pretending I wasn’t going to watch this year, I received a text message from a good friend asking if I was viewing the big show. The following is the text conversation between Mandy and I throughout the entire duration of the Oscars. After reflecting, I realized that apparently I have a thing for Seth MacFarlane and I‘m pretty sure I was much more jilted about Ben Affleck not recieving a Best Director nomination than he was.
Mandy: Are you watching the Oscars?
Me: I’m attracted to Seth MacFarlane.
Mandy: I think he’s gay.
Me: He is not.
Mandy: He is assumed to be.
Me: I’m really sad you think he’s gay. Then I have no chance 😦
Mandy: I just think I’ve heard that before. He won’t say he is but it is assumed. He does have a lovely singing voice and is very dapper. I see the attraction.
Me: I like his attitude.
Me: Idk, I don’t know why I don’t think anything is funny.
Mandy: We’re a tough crowd.
Me: We should make a short film, seems like our best route to an Oscar. Easiest. Probably like an hour or two of editing.
Mandy: Why didn’t our moms make a Pixar movie about us??
Me: I don’t know, ridiculous on their part.
Me: Anne Hathaway is wearing a bridesmaid’s dress.
Mandy: She is very hit or miss.
Me: Life of Pi looks extremely sad. I’m glad I didn’t see it.
Mandy: It does, still haven’t seen it.
Me: Samuel Jackson scares me.
Me: Samuel L. Jackson that is.
Mandy: I gotcha, I always think of snakes when I see him. I also hate his shirt.
Me: Mark Ruffalo has looked better.
Mandy: What did he play in that movie?
Me: The Avengers?? The Hulk, Mandy.
Mandy: Oh yeah, I didn’t know. I prefer him as Matty.
Mandy: Do you think he said hi to Jennifer Affleck?
Me: Everyone does and I hope so.
Me: Life of Pi is already cleaning up.
Mandy: Sure is.
Me: They better not win everything like that stupid non-talking movie did last year.
Mandy: Especially since we didn’t see it.
Me: Yeah, obviously lol.
Me: So much sex appeal on stage.
Mandy: She looks pretty but old.
Me: Yeah, older.
Me: The people who win the early awards are so weird.
Me: Could someone not do her hair?! It’s the Oscars.
Mandy: To expensive.
Mandy: Good grief, that outfit!!
Me: I told you these people lol.
Me: I’m never gonna be a Bond girl.
Mandy: I don’t want to be! This is what you become.
Me: She’s a dame! And wearing gold.
Mandy: This won’t end.
Me: Yeah, that was torture.
Mandy: Clooney is probably asleep.
Me: Did you see his beard? He looks good no matter what.
Mandy: I know, so good.
Mandy: I hate Quentin.
Me: Everyone does.
Mandy: I don’t think you can talk in a short film.
Me: I heard that foreign film, Amore, is super sad. About a woman who gets sick and starts deteriorating and her husband has to decide to kill her ot put her out of her misery.
Mandy: Omg… geeeeesh France.
Me: Yeah, I’m like well sounds like the saddest movie ever.
Mandy: Ben looks good.
Me: I love Seth.
Me: And Benji.
Mandy: That was quick, I think Ben wants off stage.
Me: He’s pissed he didn’t get nominated for his directing.
Me: This jaws music is hilarious.
Mandy: I don’t like poor sports.
Me: I hate poor sports as well.
Mandy: I miss old Travolta. I hate new Travolta.
Me: How is John Travolta still relevant?
Mandy: He owns Hollywood, Stacey!
Mandy: How is Chicago relevant?
Me: I love dis song.
Me: You know I do.
Mandy: It’s JAZZZZ.
Me: Lol, Chicago isn’t relevant but I love this sexay song. Sex is always relevant.
Mandy: Tell that to Jesus, Stacey.
Me: Me and him have a hit or miss relationship lately.
Mandy: She is perfect for this song. She gets to sing everywhere.
Me: I’m so bothered by Jennifer Hudson all the time.
Me: You know Beyonce is so jelly.
Mandy: So jelly.
Me: She’s just so blah.
Mandy: Hey Oscars, ten years ago called… they want their songs back.
Me: Pretty much.
Mandy: It’s Hugh!
Me: How come Les Mis gets a special?? Kinda unfair.
Mandy: They all get to sing their songs I believe they normally perform all the songs nominated.
Me: Oh yes, probably.
Mandy: Her boobs look awful in that dress!
Me: Anne Hathaway can’t do anything without crying lately.
Mandy: She has feelings.
Mandy: And Sasha Cohen? He’s in that? Really Les Mis??
Me: Yeah, he’s a crazy in it.
Mandy: Well he’s crazy.
Me: Zoe is pretty but I think she takes herself more seriously than anyone else.
Mandy: She does. You were in Center Stage, Zoe. Calm down.
Me: And Chris Pine is just great. I have no complaints of his physique.
Mandy: None whatsoever.
Me: Omggg that bear.
Me: I can’t tell if he’s there or not. I know he’s not, but I kinda think he is.
Mandy: He looks really real.
Me: I swear to God that bear is there.
Mandy: Maybe he is like Teddy Ruxpin.
Me: That bear is scary.
Mandy: Lol you don’t remember him? He read books to you.
Me: No, I never had that monster.
Me: A tie? That’s bullshit Oscars.
*Tie in the Best Sound Category was truly a rare occurrence. The tie between “Skyfall” and “Zero Dark Thirty” was only the sixth such result in the 85-year history of the Oscars. There might not be another in your lifetime. Think about that.
Me: Anddddd the villain’s sidekick from Die Hard is accepting the award.
Mandy: They all have long hair.
Mandy: The hippies. It’s the Oscars – go to Super Cuts.
Me: Yeah, these people aren’t invited to any parties later.
Me: Here’s a big award. It snuck up on me.
Mandy: It really did.
Me: Do you think Sally deserves it?
Me: I really think Anne deserves it, but I didn’t want her to win.
Mandy: What was taped under her chair?
Mandy: If you didn’t notice, go back and look.
Me: Whose chair?
Mandy: Anne’s when she got up it flipped up.
Mandy: There was something taped underneath. Probably a bomb.
Me: K. I’ll go look when she’s done gabbing.
Mandy: She’s married?!
Me: Yeah, duh.
Me: Her husband is dorky.
Mandy: I didn’t know.
Mandy: I also think she wants to sleep with Hugh.
Me: Yeah I think she might have slept with Hugh.
Me: Yeah I don’t know what was under her seat, looked like a candy bar.
Me: WHERE IS TOM HANKS?
Me: I can’t take the Oscars seriously if he’s not there.
Mandy: Idk, probably at home watching it with his lovely wife.
Mandy: It was probably a candy bar so she doesn’t pass out later.
Me: I love Seth.
Mandy: Oh Sandy.
Me: Remember when she was married to a tattooed nazi who got to sit in the front row at the Oscars a few years back? Never forget.
Mandy: People don’t forget.
Mandy: I would hate to watch everyone get Oscars for a movie I made.
Mandy: She seems nervous.
Mandy: She always sounds amazing.
Me: Oh Adele, Classy braud.
Me: He’s to old for her.
Me: It worked for the movie.
Me: Is Leo here?!?
Me: I haven’t seen him…
Mandy: I haven’t seen him. Probably too busy not wanting to come.
Me: Lol snubbed.
Mandy: Why is Kristen Stewart there?
Mandy: She is so annoying.
Me: K Stew is so fuckingggggggg awkard.
Mandy: Stop touching your hair. It’s not cute. We hate you for cheating on Robert.
Me: I think it’s because Snow White and The Huntsman was nominated for a few things. Ya know, that movie she slept with the director of.
Mandy: Her dress doesn’t fit right.
Me: I didn’t see Hanks! I went to the bathroom!
Mandy: She’s annoying.
Me: Yes, absolutely.
Mandy: I. Hate. Her.
Mandy: She looks like a witch.
Me: Yeah, she is the worst.
Me: This diving show looks ridiculous.
Mandy: They are using the term stars loosely.
Me: It’s been 10 years since Chicago? We’re ancient. Just kill me.
Mandy: They both wore gold. Awkward.
Me: I’d do Richard Gere.
Mandy: I told you ten years ago called…
Me: I really don’t want to listen to a Daniel Day-Lewis speech, but I feel like he’s gonna win later.
Mandy: He was really good maybe he’ll accept as Lincoln.
Me: I think he is Lincoln.
Mandy: He thinks he is Lincoln.
Me: I’m happy for Adele.
Mandy: She’s good.
Me: Did you hear we are supposed to get like 6 inches of snow on Tuesday?
Mandy: I sure did. Snowy.
*We got off topic a lot…
Mandy: Oh Ben.
Me: I would love to know what Ben is thinking.
Mandy: Same thing we were thinking when Delta Zeta won the talent show. WTF.
Me: Your fav just won.
Mandy: I’m glad he cleaned himself up for the Oscars.
Me: He’s crazy.
Mandy: Life of Pi. Sweeping.
Me: I will never watch that Pi movie.
Me: His wife looks normal, I like that.
Mandy: Yeah, silly.
Mandy: Omg good for her.
Me: Good for her.
Me: Hugh’s wife is weird.
Mandy: Lincoln won.
Mandy: Sorry, Stace.
Mandy: He can completely change his voice for a role. It’s crazy.
Me: He’s talented. He is.
Mandy: Is that clear! Stacey!
Me: Whaaaaaaaa? Obama!
Mandy: I love Michelle’s dress.
Mandy: She is classy.
Me: She’s so gd classy.
Mandy: Yayyy Ben.
Mandy: He looks vindicated.
Me: I’m so happy for him. And Clooney.
Me: Take that Oscars!
Me: I love him damnit!
Mandy: I love how him and Clooney are friends.
Mandy: I gotta go to bed, lol. Goodnight!